The San Francisco Giants Are Bad and Boring. Oh So Boring.

Sixteen games into the 2023 season, the San Francisco Giants look lost. Somehow, their 5-11 record isn’t the worst in the National League (thanks Rockies and Nationals), but that’s not much solace for fans of the fifth-most valuable franchise in Major League Baseball, according to Forbes.

This is a team that continually claims to be keeping up with the Dodgers and the Padres when everyone can see that is not true. Heck, the Diamondbacks are leading the division early and look much improved over 2022. Heading into the season, Giants CEO Larry Baer tried to convince the media that fans were coming around to the team’s free agent strategy of signing Mitch Haniger, Michael Conforto, Sean Manaea, Ross Stripling and Taylor Rogers after Aaron Judge re-signed with the Yankees and Carlos Correa’s ankle was discovered to be made of paper maché.

Maybe the Giants had some super secret focus group data showing fans really amped up by these signings. If so, I feel truly sorry for those fans because Haniger has been on the Injured List since Spring Training and Conforto was batting .220 before going out with a calf injury. Before Tuesday’s game, Stripling and Taylor Rogers had been the second and third worst pitchers in the National League so far, measured by Wins Above Replacement. Sean Manaea has been okay—certainly nothing to get excited about.

In a bit, I will give you all the details on how poorly the Giants have played this season. And playing poorly certainly contributes to watchability—or the lack of watchability—but it’s more than that.

The Giants are really boring.

The ebb & flow of Giants games are plodding & predictable. Not a single hitter or pitcher is appointment viewing. The defense is below average and hardly ever makes a spectacular, highlight-worthy play.

Even their home runs—which are otherwise a bright spot for the team—are boring. No bat flips. No stutter steps rounding third base. No dugout celebrations (or cellies, as the kids call them). Obviously, the Orioles’ fake beer bong celebration cannot be topped but just try, Giants. Do something that shows you’re having fun.

The Twitter accounts that post highlights of massive homers, diving catches and insane pitches just ignore the Giants. There’s no top-rated prospect smashing it in AAA and getting ready for hugely anticipated call-up.

The team is a non entity in baseball’s consciousness.

It wasn’t always this way. Especially in the era of Pac Bell-SBC-AT&T-Oracle Park.

This is the Giants’ 24th season at 24 Willie Mays Plaza. Or as some call it, the House that Barry Bonds built. Not with his two hands. Well, actually, yes, with his two hands on the barrel of the bat sending dinger after dinger over the right field wall. Sometimes into McCovey Cove. Sometimes into the bleachers. Barry Bonds hit a lot of home runs between 2000 and 2007 (317). Even when Bonds didn’t hit a home run, he had the potential to hit one, so every at-bat was must-see.

In the fallow years between the end of the Bonds Era and the first World Series Championship in 2010, there was at least one super fun or exciting player to focus on. Every five days was Lincecum Day, when the rubber band-like pitcher would perform magic on the mound. Nate Schierholtz mastered defense in Triples Alley and consistently threw unsuspecting runners out from the right field corner. Pablo Sandoval made his debut in 2009, was dubbed the Kung-Fu Panda, and spawned a fleece zoo of panda hats around the ballpark.

From the moment he arrived in 2011 (and until quite recently), Brandon Crawford was a human highlight reel at short. We had Brian Wilson’s histrionics, Sergio Romo’s El Mechon warm up dance, Madison Bumgarner’s snot rockets, and whatever goofy thing Brandon Belt would do—like make himself captain.

And we had Buster Posey’s bat, pitch framing, pitcher whispering, and throwing arm.

Now the most exciting thing on the baseball field during a Giants game is J.D. Davis nabbing a tough grounder.

During Tuesday’s game against the Miami Marlins, broadcasters Dave Flemming and Javy López insisted that the Giants are doing a lot of things well, despite their 5-11 record. They talked about the starting rotation ERA (at 3.32, 5th best in the league) and the offense (top 10 in the league in most advanced metrics).

But the starters have only thrown 82 innings in 16 games and the bullpen is a tire fire save for Tyler Rogers and Scott Alexander. The bullpen ERA of 5.82 is 5th worst in the league.

Flemming did say that the Giants have had too many strikeouts, but didn’t detail how many. Heading into Tuesday’s action, the Giants had the highest strikeout rate in the majors at 27.5%. There are two teams with a 26.5% K rate—the Tigers and the Royals, two of the worst teams in the American League that have already beaten the Giants twice each.

The offense is completely reliant on home runs, which is not optimal for a team that plays in pitcher-friendly ballpark. Their situational hitting is awful. They score early & then fall asleep at the plate hoping the pitching will hold up, when there is zero evidence so far that will happen. They are 0-3 in one-run games.

Can the Giants turn it around? Well, I don’t think they’ll play .333 ball all season. Injured players will get healthy and return. Some of the pitchers who are out of whack will be fixed.

But I don’t see the Giants becoming a fun team to watch any time soon.

Bryan Murphy and Doug Bruzzone invited me on as a guest on their Giants podcast—Giants Chroncast. If you want to hear my raspy voice wax on about the sad state of affairs, give it a listen here.